As I’ve tried to make clear, when we strip away the delusions of our own personal immortality project, much of what’s left in this world that continues to provide meaning are our relationships with others. What about that highest form of human connection though? How does death affect our ability to love? This isn’t an easy question, as I’m not sure I really understand love that well, but when I think of love in Thanatism, I see it as a web anchored between two sets of opposites.
The first set of opposites the web of Thanatist love connects is acceptance and honesty. On the side of acceptance, Thanatist love isn’t controlling. It doesn’t define what a person must be and then attempt to mold every human being into that predefined vision of humanity. Just the opposite in fact. As I’ve said before, as Thanatists, we deeply understand that each of us has been thrown into a being not of our own choosing. Because of this, we have a deep and abiding respect for the uniqueness of each of us.
Further rooting Thanatist love in acceptance is that foundational to Thanatism is a moment of choice. When we first fully realize and accept our own mortality, we experience a moment of rebirth. In this foundational moment, and throughout life, as we learn to bring forth the power of death daily, we have a profound ability and responsibility to choose ourselves. This choice is sacred and deeply individual, and as such due the utmost respect.
Having said that, Thanatism is equally a faith of radical honesty. Our foundational belief revolves around the destruction of self-delusion and the power of honest self-reflection. Because of this, Thanatist love is deeply committed to speaking the truth regardless of the consequences. Thanatist love does not accept others unconditionally, rather it challenges others to become their truer selves.
This creates a relational tension born of love that’s difficult to navigate. On one hand, we don’t want to control or possess the other person. We respect their uniqueness and right to choose their life. On the other hand, we also know the keen ability that each of us possesses to deceive ourselves, so we also have an obligation to honestly and fearlessly help those we love see their own resistances. Navigating these two poles while simultaneously guarding against our own tendencies towards control and self-deception make this first tension in Thanatist love no easy task.
The second set of tensions the web of Thanatist love anchors itself between is that of change and commitment. As I said above, as Thanatists we understand that who we currently are is not the only person we can be. Every day presents an opportunity for self-discovery and reinvention. Because of that, Thanatist love understands that people are a continuum of change throughout their lives, and as such, it to some degree encourages regular self-transformation.
On the other hand, we also understand how important it is to know another and to be fully known. We understand that no one will ever truly know the person we are without having lived through most of our lives with us. In a real sense, we understand that once the relationships of our pasts are severed, the person who we once were, has already died. Those who have known us longest, no matter how flawed, are the only candidates for lifelong knowing. This makes those relationships uniquely precious and worthy of preservation in spite of the challenges they bring. In other words, Thanatist love values commitment as much as it respects change.
As Thanatists, others matter more than anything else in this world, and as such, so does love. Love is never easy though. For Thanatists, it requires living in a delicate web, one that binds together acceptance with honesty and change to commitment. Spanning such extremes of existence will always require constant vigilance and a great deal of compassion to withstand the vicissitudes of life. If maintained, however, each of us has the profound opportunity to build with another that most wondrous of all human patterns–the one we call love.