We all live with some degree of self-deception, but that deception pales into insignificance when compared with the many selves we present publicly. This multitude of voices constitutes our public persona and varies greatly between social groups. More importantly, these public selves are all different from our “self-voice”, the voice we speak to ourselves in.
Now I want to be clear, I’m not saying that talking with different people in different ways is in and of itself dishonest or lacking in integrity. It’s human and has important social utility. My question, however, is this: Isn’t it strange that we rarely (if ever) talk to ANY other human being using our self-voice? Particularly when those moments when we get closest to doing so are often the most intimate moments we share with one another?
We can attempt to rectify this non-ritualistically by simply trying to be more open and honest in our day-to-day relationships and to allow our words to flow from our core, which as Thanatists, we have no reason to be ashamed of. This is useful, but it can only take us so far. Putting that commitment to the ultimate test on a regular basis, however, ensures that we have the opportunity to see just how guarded we typically are. The ritual to ensure this level of honesty is what I call “free flow”.
Free flow is a ritual between two or more people where each person agrees to use the same voice that we typically use only with ourselves for a set period of time. This may sound easy, but I assure you it is not. Even distinguishing the “other-voice” we use when talking to others from the self-voice we use when talking to ourselves is extremely hard. With practice however, we can learn to make this distinction and even find the courage to use our self-voice in front of another person.
Obviously, you want to try this out first with someone you really trust. You can start by first meditating on death and allowing it to free your inner voice from its fear of the other, as well as opening yourself up to receive the other as they are, without judgment. After this, each person gets a set period of time (perhaps 5 minutes to start), where they simply speak their inner dialog out loud in front of the others. The others sit in receptive silence, as they work to see through their own reflection into the mind of the speaker.
You don’t have to try to uncover the other person’s deepest darkest secret or reveal your own. The objective is just to be the you that you are with yourself in front of others. You may be nerdy, angry, silly, sexy, all, or none of the above. The point is, we just don’t get to be with each other very often without socially moderating what we’re saying, and by creating a safe space, we give ourselves the opportunity to practice both freeing our inner voice and receiving the other without judgement.
Speaking freely is not easy. You may find that you sit with the other in silence. If this is so, receive their silence without judgement. Once the speaking begins, you may hear things that surprise you. If you look deep within though, on some level, that which is spoken was already known. Speaking and hearing are something we think we do all the time, but by removing the constant back and forth of our daily talk, we create a space for speaking with each other in a new authentic voice and fully hearing the other for the very first time.